Well...I know I haven't been keeping my promise to myself to write each day in this blog. But I have to say that I definitely have my reasons. I can't say I'm dissapointed though, I'm proud that I haven't spent all my time here in front of a computer screen.
Every time I think I finally understand the meaning of the say When it Rains, it Pours, I experience a further depth in it. I DO not understand, one bit, why this year has occured at all. I'm past the point of understand, the point of trying, and the point of FEELING anything. All that has happened is pain, suffering, and loss for myself and those all around me. Maybe I picked up a bad vodo in Mexico and brought it back with me.
I know that in everything we are supposed to be grateful to God; that we are supposed to take it as an opportunity to learn more about life. And maybe this is what eventually will happen, but as of now...I'm fed up. I pray so hard, almost to the point of tears, that nothing more will happen. I want a boring life in all senses of the word for a while. Let us recover from all of this!
Right now I'm sitting in Rodez, waiting for news on whether or not my dear French family is now homeless. Yesterday, the house was being renovated (the large part where no one lives yet) and the interior foundation came tumbling down. OK more like thundering down. It was a lot of rock gravity took out. And at that time Lucie and I were trying to take a little nap in the little house that was built adjoined to the large portion. Next thing we knew, men were running in the house telling us to get out as they thought the whole house would collapse.
The house hasn't collapsed yet, but basically everything this family has is in that house. And yes, it is just stuff, but the day before my poor family took a large blow of dissapointment that already had broken their hearts. Now their home, also, is gone. We will know soon if the house will be fixable at all. There is a very large crane holding up the house for now, and next week we should know the extent of the problem. But either way, it is a great loss for anyone to bear.
I begin to wonder what it is God wants us to take from EVERYTHING we've been through this year. I know that he wants me to rely on him despite everything, and maybe this is his way of showing me that I can live without so many things in my life. I'm not sure. But I don't remember the last time I felt so numb to the world. I really don't feel a single thing. Nothing. Not happiness, sadness, contentment, fear....I feel NOTHING. So if there is something he wants me to see, well I hope he can make it as obvious as possible. Because I'm more blind than anything at this point.
But maybe that is the point.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
'A Room With A View'
I consider this to be a great time of discovery for me. Not the same as before but not much different. Last time I took the grand leap to come to France it was out of a desire to see, to learn, and to explore. What I did not anticipate was the great canyon of change I was going to face. Little by little, day by day, through every experience I learned valuable lessons that have stayed with me through every moment since. But there has been a time when I forgot many of the most important lessons of all; the ones I found within myself.
This trip to France has been much different. I came with different intentions, a very opposite frame of mind, and a broken heart. And for all those who can account to what this is like, it means viewing the world through different eyes. Although I want to try and make some effort, this trip is not about seeing the country, exploring new places. It's about being in a safe place with much time to think and reflect. Without the distractions I find at home.
So what better a way to become inward and pensive than to read! To take book and fall into the world the writter describes is an experience all in it's own. And maybe you'll think, what a shame! She is in the beautiful country side of southern France and she is reading! But what better a way to see one inward than to be surrounded by beauty, inside and out? To feel and smell, see and hear ALL that is real and then to let your imagination take over your thoughts.
In this frame of mind, I decided to go to the library in Mazéres to take a few books. Of course, I can hardly read French so I had to find what few books in english they had. Because they only have a small selection, it is made of mostly classic books, a few sci-fi novel, and many books of travel. So I decided to try my hand at a book called 'A Room With A View' by E.M. Forster.
I've heard of this book many times but I had no idea what it was about. It didn't take me long to fall in love with the witty quibble of the author and his obvious distaste for anything of the society at the time. Very much like my own personality, he shows a distinct rebellion against the world in which he lived in. He glorified people with deeper thoughts and whom were considered outcasts of society and painted people with proper mannerisms and social graces to be shallow and unfit. But most of all, I found it humerous how he described his heroine Lucy Honeychurch.
This is one of the greatest coming of age stories I have ever read. Lucy is a young girl, of great moral character who is trying to find her way in the world she was told was right, but often felt was wrong. She is kind in disposition and quick to love everyone. While taking a tour of Italy she ends up in Florance with her cousin and many fellow travelers in a pensione. She does not know it at the time but she falls in love with a man whom many people in her social circle would deem unfit. So to escape the pecular George Emerson and his wild views of equality and deeper mind she leaves Florence to Rome. Time passes, she returns home, and she becomes engaged to a Mr. Cecil Vyse. A proper, refined man with high social stance. As time passes she begins to lose her beauty and innocence she found within the world and becomes more and more like her cynical and snobbish fiance. The many who praised and upheld Cecil begin to dislike and distrust his obtrusive, rude ways. But Lucy, who is under the spell of what she felt was love, defends him to the end. Soon George Emmerson and his father move to the neighborhood and start in motion many great events which lead to the end of Lucy and Cecils engagment and the beginning of many greater things. Of course I do not want to reveal all that happens, other wise there would be no point in reading it!
I think this book has struck me in ways I haven't felt in much time. I feel to close to Lucy and her "muddled" confusion in life. I envy her in her clarity in the end. I have loved and felt the confusion of being with someone not at all in character with myself. And there lays much of the confusion. Cecil spent most of his time with Lucy trying to mold her and make her into the woman he deemed appropriate. Instead of appreciating the people in the world for the beauty they held as a person, he was dissatisfied and unwilling to accept people as they were. And in the end Lucy saw him as "the sort who can't know anyone intimately".
And after she drops the bomb and ends it all with him, instead of being angry and resentful he begins to see her as she truly was. "But now to Cecil, now that he was about to lose her, she seemed each moment more desirable. He looked at her, instead of through her, for the first time since they were engaged....she had become a living woman, with mysteries and forces of her own, with qualities that even eluded art." And he loved her more. With real and true appreciation.
I begin to think had she not loved George Emmerson, but still had seen the truth about Cecil, would this revelation in him saved them? Would it have been enough to open his eyes to the changes he needed to make to appreciate the woman he loved? To try and enjoy life in a way that was parallel with her, not opposite? And would he still love her once he saw that she was not perfect? When he saw her for what she was? Had Lucy loved Cecil, but just been tired of being picked at, molded, and made to dislike all that she loved, could she look past his begining flaws and hope for better in the future?
Love is a mysterious thing and in the end it's something I can never claim to understand. But as I'm spending this time in great thought and hoping for clarity on what the next turn in my life is, I felt this book was brought to be in perfect time. Most of you can understand how I can relate to this story, but differ in the same. So now it's time for my 'muddled' life to become more clear. It may take time, more thought, and much discipline.
But in the end, I'm not longer alone in my fight within myself.
No, it seems an English, male writter born in 1897 understands my problems more clearly than I can seem them. Touché Mr. Forster.
This trip to France has been much different. I came with different intentions, a very opposite frame of mind, and a broken heart. And for all those who can account to what this is like, it means viewing the world through different eyes. Although I want to try and make some effort, this trip is not about seeing the country, exploring new places. It's about being in a safe place with much time to think and reflect. Without the distractions I find at home.
So what better a way to become inward and pensive than to read! To take book and fall into the world the writter describes is an experience all in it's own. And maybe you'll think, what a shame! She is in the beautiful country side of southern France and she is reading! But what better a way to see one inward than to be surrounded by beauty, inside and out? To feel and smell, see and hear ALL that is real and then to let your imagination take over your thoughts.
In this frame of mind, I decided to go to the library in Mazéres to take a few books. Of course, I can hardly read French so I had to find what few books in english they had. Because they only have a small selection, it is made of mostly classic books, a few sci-fi novel, and many books of travel. So I decided to try my hand at a book called 'A Room With A View' by E.M. Forster.
I've heard of this book many times but I had no idea what it was about. It didn't take me long to fall in love with the witty quibble of the author and his obvious distaste for anything of the society at the time. Very much like my own personality, he shows a distinct rebellion against the world in which he lived in. He glorified people with deeper thoughts and whom were considered outcasts of society and painted people with proper mannerisms and social graces to be shallow and unfit. But most of all, I found it humerous how he described his heroine Lucy Honeychurch.
This is one of the greatest coming of age stories I have ever read. Lucy is a young girl, of great moral character who is trying to find her way in the world she was told was right, but often felt was wrong. She is kind in disposition and quick to love everyone. While taking a tour of Italy she ends up in Florance with her cousin and many fellow travelers in a pensione. She does not know it at the time but she falls in love with a man whom many people in her social circle would deem unfit. So to escape the pecular George Emerson and his wild views of equality and deeper mind she leaves Florence to Rome. Time passes, she returns home, and she becomes engaged to a Mr. Cecil Vyse. A proper, refined man with high social stance. As time passes she begins to lose her beauty and innocence she found within the world and becomes more and more like her cynical and snobbish fiance. The many who praised and upheld Cecil begin to dislike and distrust his obtrusive, rude ways. But Lucy, who is under the spell of what she felt was love, defends him to the end. Soon George Emmerson and his father move to the neighborhood and start in motion many great events which lead to the end of Lucy and Cecils engagment and the beginning of many greater things. Of course I do not want to reveal all that happens, other wise there would be no point in reading it!
I think this book has struck me in ways I haven't felt in much time. I feel to close to Lucy and her "muddled" confusion in life. I envy her in her clarity in the end. I have loved and felt the confusion of being with someone not at all in character with myself. And there lays much of the confusion. Cecil spent most of his time with Lucy trying to mold her and make her into the woman he deemed appropriate. Instead of appreciating the people in the world for the beauty they held as a person, he was dissatisfied and unwilling to accept people as they were. And in the end Lucy saw him as "the sort who can't know anyone intimately".
And after she drops the bomb and ends it all with him, instead of being angry and resentful he begins to see her as she truly was. "But now to Cecil, now that he was about to lose her, she seemed each moment more desirable. He looked at her, instead of through her, for the first time since they were engaged....she had become a living woman, with mysteries and forces of her own, with qualities that even eluded art." And he loved her more. With real and true appreciation.
I begin to think had she not loved George Emmerson, but still had seen the truth about Cecil, would this revelation in him saved them? Would it have been enough to open his eyes to the changes he needed to make to appreciate the woman he loved? To try and enjoy life in a way that was parallel with her, not opposite? And would he still love her once he saw that she was not perfect? When he saw her for what she was? Had Lucy loved Cecil, but just been tired of being picked at, molded, and made to dislike all that she loved, could she look past his begining flaws and hope for better in the future?
Love is a mysterious thing and in the end it's something I can never claim to understand. But as I'm spending this time in great thought and hoping for clarity on what the next turn in my life is, I felt this book was brought to be in perfect time. Most of you can understand how I can relate to this story, but differ in the same. So now it's time for my 'muddled' life to become more clear. It may take time, more thought, and much discipline.
But in the end, I'm not longer alone in my fight within myself.
No, it seems an English, male writter born in 1897 understands my problems more clearly than I can seem them. Touché Mr. Forster.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Old ways, new customs.
There is one thing, that I must say, will probably never change about the French. The way they eat. And, as bold as it may sound, I think no one will ever be able to do this quite as well as they do.
Food to them is more than a basic source of nurishment. It's not a copeing mechinism like many others take to. It's an art. A pure art based on the basic sense of taste and smell comes into play everyday and every meal for the French. It shows a beautiful ability to appreicate something many others overlook and forget within the rush of everyday life.
I know for myself, I often get so preoccupied with just trying to make each day work and live life (plain and simple), I lose the ambience of life that is around us every moment of each day. I forget what it is to feel, to sense, to have excitement...
I think about a movie made for children that came out not too long ago. Rataouille. Such an ingenious movie. A movie made to teach us the purity of enjoying our God given ability to taste and smell. I think on the moment when he takes a few pieces of food and begins to taste them...In the back ground, with each bite, a burst or swirl of color and texture with hints of melodies take over his mind. And this, I think is something we are all capable of. The point is, do we take the time to try and enjoy it?
So next time you are feeling overwhelmed and bored with the mundane of life, I challenge you; go to the market, pick up the stinkiest cheese, the sweestest fruit, the hardest bread, and the boldest wine you can find. And enjoy melody in your mouth for me...
Food to them is more than a basic source of nurishment. It's not a copeing mechinism like many others take to. It's an art. A pure art based on the basic sense of taste and smell comes into play everyday and every meal for the French. It shows a beautiful ability to appreicate something many others overlook and forget within the rush of everyday life.
I know for myself, I often get so preoccupied with just trying to make each day work and live life (plain and simple), I lose the ambience of life that is around us every moment of each day. I forget what it is to feel, to sense, to have excitement...
I think about a movie made for children that came out not too long ago. Rataouille. Such an ingenious movie. A movie made to teach us the purity of enjoying our God given ability to taste and smell. I think on the moment when he takes a few pieces of food and begins to taste them...In the back ground, with each bite, a burst or swirl of color and texture with hints of melodies take over his mind. And this, I think is something we are all capable of. The point is, do we take the time to try and enjoy it?
So next time you are feeling overwhelmed and bored with the mundane of life, I challenge you; go to the market, pick up the stinkiest cheese, the sweestest fruit, the hardest bread, and the boldest wine you can find. And enjoy melody in your mouth for me...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The New Start
I know...Im terrible. It has been three days since I was last able to write in my blog. But I must say it is due to specific reasons.
1. Saturday was my birthday (yay for me). So I spent most of the day and a lot of the night with my family and friends.*
2. Sunday morning I left around 7 to take a plane and head off to the beautiful country of France! So I all of sunday and most of monday traveling.
3. Monday night I was so exhausted with Jet Lag I wouldnt have been able to form complete sentances. Let alone figure out how to type on the French keyboard. It can be such a pain.
But now Im back on track as much as I can be. It is a little difficult as I didn't bring my computer to I have to steal Helene's if I want to do anything. And I feel bad taking it too much.
So I will do my best to write in my blog as often as possible.
It has been wonderful being back in France. I feel as though a part of me that has been dormant was woken back up. And I feel parts of me coming alive again. It's wonderful. I wish I could explain. I have such sharp memories of everthing here. I feel as if I went on a short holiday and was just coming back. I remember every road, every smell, all the people. It is...spectacular.
Now it comes to the point where I must decide what it is I want to accomplish by being here. It's not such a long time, one month, it goes so quickly...so I have to be sure to make the most of every moment here. But I am so glad just to sit and feel again...it's almost enough to just be. But of course I must make the most of the time. Who knows when Ill get to come back again. (sadness)
But maybe the Lord will find a connection here...something that will keep me or bring me back again. Its hard to say. Or maybe it is his will that I take the time that is given and use it to become the person I should be at home. Its hard to say...
1. Saturday was my birthday (yay for me). So I spent most of the day and a lot of the night with my family and friends.*
2. Sunday morning I left around 7 to take a plane and head off to the beautiful country of France! So I all of sunday and most of monday traveling.
3. Monday night I was so exhausted with Jet Lag I wouldnt have been able to form complete sentances. Let alone figure out how to type on the French keyboard. It can be such a pain.
But now Im back on track as much as I can be. It is a little difficult as I didn't bring my computer to I have to steal Helene's if I want to do anything. And I feel bad taking it too much.
So I will do my best to write in my blog as often as possible.
It has been wonderful being back in France. I feel as though a part of me that has been dormant was woken back up. And I feel parts of me coming alive again. It's wonderful. I wish I could explain. I have such sharp memories of everthing here. I feel as if I went on a short holiday and was just coming back. I remember every road, every smell, all the people. It is...spectacular.
Now it comes to the point where I must decide what it is I want to accomplish by being here. It's not such a long time, one month, it goes so quickly...so I have to be sure to make the most of every moment here. But I am so glad just to sit and feel again...it's almost enough to just be. But of course I must make the most of the time. Who knows when Ill get to come back again. (sadness)
But maybe the Lord will find a connection here...something that will keep me or bring me back again. Its hard to say. Or maybe it is his will that I take the time that is given and use it to become the person I should be at home. Its hard to say...
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