8 years to remember

8 years.

8 years ago I felt the first sting of life. My first encounter with loving and losing. It was my 16th birthday, and I was just coming home from going to the local community college to sign up for my running start classes. My mother came down the stairs sobbing and I knew something terrible had happened.

My friend. My heart. The man I was sure I was going to marry...had disappeared. Well, not like he just fell off the face of the planet. But he, his 2 cousins, and their grandfather had taking a little boat out for fishing just off the coast of La Push...their boat capsized and no one knew where they were.

A week later they found 3 of the 4 bodies. Including that of my dear James Starr.

I was much younger than James. But that didn't keep me from hoping. We worked together every Thursday and Friday night, as janitors for my uncle and his father's cleaning company. My first job...
He had always treated me special. Much differently than any of the horrible people I mostly surrounded myself with at the time. He was a breath of fresh air, and one of the kindest people I had ever met. Everything about him glowed with the Lord. There was nothing I could ask that he wouldn't do...even drive me all the way home after work...to Mead....when he lived in the valley past 35th. And when I told him I had feelings for him...instead of making me feel awkward and rejected...he just smiled at me and said..."We'll see..." Or when he told me I was beautiful in German, but made me go find out what it meant. Which took me a week. haha ~Sigh~

There are many stories of how this man captured my heart. But really, what good does it do? That was not the path the Lord had for me. But never will his memory leave my mind. And I will always be grateful for the beautiful legacy he left behind; the many lives that he touched.

And the heart he left behind...

2 days to go! And I'll be on a plane headed back to my beautiful France! I can't wait!!!

Today was my last day at my old salon. It was so sad to say goodbye! that definitely was a job I was bummed to walk away from. If it hadn't been for the gas I was spending to get there...I would never have left! But you know...I'm excited to see where God takes me next!

Overall it was a full day. And I'm pooped.I can't wait to hit the hay. And apart from being irritated with several people (most likely only because I'm exhausted), it was a lovely day! I'm thankful for days that are as full as today. It's wonderful feeling...

So not much to report.And little to say. My head is too cloudy to think...

When choosing is the hardest.

I doubt sanity every day. I really do. I don't think that anyone can truly claim to be completely sane. Because NOTHING in life can allow us this luxury! We are so often left choosing between what is right, what we want, or what is best...and hardly ever do those coincide! GRAWAR!

As of recently I've had some very hard decisions to make. Decisions that I really never wanted to have to make in the first place, or that I ever thought I would have to. And it's left me thinking many different thoughts. I've finally come to a point where there is a vast difference between what I think I want and what is truly best for me. And never in my life have I really had to make the choice.

Maybe this is what they call adulthood; maturity if you may. The ability to see past the instant gratification to what the decision may lead to. Oh yes! They call these consequences! Something our generation (I believe they call us Y) has hardly been taught about. "Do what feels right to YOU" "Only YOU can know what is best"...a bunch of baloney that virtually translate into "You are the center of the universe. Screw everyone and anyone that gets caught in the cross fire of your decision."

Now this isn't something I naturally fell upon. And really I hardly doubt that I'm completely there. But today I made a decision. A hard one at that. One that went against everything I'm feeling...because I knew where it would lead.

I took that road once. It lead to me with my heart broken and bleeding in my hands. With a wedding less than a month off with no bride and groom, and lot of angry family and friends shielding me with their blazing wings of glory. And I was alone. In pain.

So I want something different. Whether it's with the same person or not. I want to make better and different choices this time. It doesn't mean I have to hurt anyone. It doesn't mean I have to turn myself off. It means I draw the line and I don't cross it. No matter what I fear the consequences are. And I'll tell you what...considering this is a first for me...I feel ten times better than I did when I gave into these same demons before. I felt like I could take on the world! And maybe I did. Once choice closer to making my life worth while.

Day Two...nothing new.

Well here I begin again!

I'm glad that overall I have this thing to try and get myself into a routine. I'm actually quite excited about it! I even went and purchased one of those handheld digital voice recorders...so now I can save my thoughts from throughout the day. There are so many times when I see and think things...that I can never remember ten mins later. SO...hopefully I can make some good use of this.

I'm not going lie. Today I acted like nothing more than a six year old brat. I had a good ol' pity party for poor lil' me for the better part of the day. I suppose we all have our moments where we feel justified by this...but really I have nothing to be complaining about. Yes, my life isn't in the greatest of places...but I could be a hell of a lot worse off. Let me tell you...
But still I felt I had the right to be put out. I was really quite angry with everyone in my life. I have reasons enough...but anger does nothing but poison the vial in which it's held.

Thank God I'm leaving the country in 4 days.

My birthday is Saturday. Happy Birthday me! This is also the day in which I was SUPPOSED to get married. This is also the day in which 8 years ago...my first love was taken from this earth in a freak accident. So as you can see...I have very mixed emotions on the day itself. Well...considering that the wedding has been called off my parents thought it would be a great idea to have a big party with family and friends to celebrate and to say good bye, since first thing Sunday morning...I'm outta here!

Well...a lot has changed in just a week. My dad lost his job. His job of 20 plus years. And a lot has fallen on my parents on top of it. So...my mom was feeling too over whelmed to throw the party. So. I threw my own personal fit. I rule.

I don't really have the right to feel so down about it. I guess more than anything I was looking forward to staying distracted on that day. It's more painful this year that it has been...ever. But in my selfish consideration I forgot that this has all effected my family as well. I wasn't the only one who's' heart has been trampled on.

So I am determined. I'm not going to be a brat about this. It doesn't matter that it's my birthday. It's still JUST a day. And I can be grateful for all the wisdom that comes with another year of living. And I can be happy that I have more to come.

So this ends my small hissy fit. Again I realize not much has come to pass in this blog. But it's a step towards something great. I know it and I feel it. Now just to live it.

The beginning...Basic beats.

So this is where I am.
No where.
It's all new. It's all starting over again. No job (well as of in a week), no husband...not to say I wasn't very very close...and living in, (~sigh~) yes, my parents basement.

And I turn 24 in less than a week.

Not to say this is ancient, by any means. But when you're looking at life and realizing the amount of prospects that are available to you and coming up with 0...it's enough to make your ovaries explode. Which I imagine as a very painful experience.
I've spend most of my life being about as average as you could imagine. But to make matters worse I BELIEVED that I was the furthest things from that. I always believed I saw life in a different light; through a different pair of multi-colored glasses. And I did. But I never did anything about it. For some reason my dreams, no matter how beautiful and good-intention-filled they were, always seemed like too much work for just little ol' me. Or I figured if they were really meant to be, they would be easy to accomplish. Thus, a life of many good intentioned trys to do SOMETHING worth while abandoned after it got hard.
Well, now I'm still at square one. Waiting for life to start...while the whole time it's been running! I'm missing things. I missing basics. And since they say the way to change something is to make small goals to reach your final goal, I'm going to goal my way to enjoying this life...one goal and or blog at a time.

So here it is. My chance to change. To find my rhythm if you may. There are many ideas of what I should be and/or like. But when it comes down to it...only I can decide these things (Sans the desire to fit in within a crowd I admire or the influence of people that are so naturally rad). I'm finding me. Boring and simple as I may turn out to be. But at least it will be me. And I'll finish it. I'm starting it...and I'm going to finish!
So let's give it a year. I'm going to do my darndest to do this everyday. There may be a few exceptions considering my location for the next month or two...but I'm going to try.
So...it begins.