I doubt sanity every day. I really do. I don't think that anyone can truly claim to be completely sane. Because NOTHING in life can allow us this luxury! We are so often left choosing between what is right, what we want, or what is best...and hardly ever do those coincide! GRAWAR!
As of recently I've had some very hard decisions to make. Decisions that I really never wanted to have to make in the first place, or that I ever thought I would have to. And it's left me thinking many different thoughts. I've finally come to a point where there is a vast difference between what I think I want and what is truly best for me. And never in my life have I really had to make the choice.
Maybe this is what they call adulthood; maturity if you may. The ability to see past the instant gratification to what the decision may lead to. Oh yes! They call these consequences! Something our generation (I believe they call us Y) has hardly been taught about. "Do what feels right to YOU" "Only YOU can know what is best"...a bunch of baloney that virtually translate into "You are the center of the universe. Screw everyone and anyone that gets caught in the cross fire of your decision."
Now this isn't something I naturally fell upon. And really I hardly doubt that I'm completely there. But today I made a decision. A hard one at that. One that went against everything I'm feeling...because I knew where it would lead.
I took that road once. It lead to me with my heart broken and bleeding in my hands. With a wedding less than a month off with no bride and groom, and lot of angry family and friends shielding me with their blazing wings of glory. And I was alone. In pain.
So I want something different. Whether it's with the same person or not. I want to make better and different choices this time. It doesn't mean I have to hurt anyone. It doesn't mean I have to turn myself off. It means I draw the line and I don't cross it. No matter what I fear the consequences are. And I'll tell you what...considering this is a first for me...I feel ten times better than I did when I gave into these same demons before. I felt like I could take on the world! And maybe I did. Once choice closer to making my life worth while.
As of recently I've had some very hard decisions to make. Decisions that I really never wanted to have to make in the first place, or that I ever thought I would have to. And it's left me thinking many different thoughts. I've finally come to a point where there is a vast difference between what I think I want and what is truly best for me. And never in my life have I really had to make the choice.
Maybe this is what they call adulthood; maturity if you may. The ability to see past the instant gratification to what the decision may lead to. Oh yes! They call these consequences! Something our generation (I believe they call us Y) has hardly been taught about. "Do what feels right to YOU" "Only YOU can know what is best"...a bunch of baloney that virtually translate into "You are the center of the universe. Screw everyone and anyone that gets caught in the cross fire of your decision."
Now this isn't something I naturally fell upon. And really I hardly doubt that I'm completely there. But today I made a decision. A hard one at that. One that went against everything I'm feeling...because I knew where it would lead.
I took that road once. It lead to me with my heart broken and bleeding in my hands. With a wedding less than a month off with no bride and groom, and lot of angry family and friends shielding me with their blazing wings of glory. And I was alone. In pain.
So I want something different. Whether it's with the same person or not. I want to make better and different choices this time. It doesn't mean I have to hurt anyone. It doesn't mean I have to turn myself off. It means I draw the line and I don't cross it. No matter what I fear the consequences are. And I'll tell you what...considering this is a first for me...I feel ten times better than I did when I gave into these same demons before. I felt like I could take on the world! And maybe I did. Once choice closer to making my life worth while.
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